Hard truth time: Gaining Weight

I love to lift weights. I like to hike. I like to swim. I like to take long walks. I like to play catch.  I like to ride bikes. 

And I’ve liked doing most of these things for a long time.  Even when I was younger.

And I was always fat, even when I was doing all those things.

Weight loss only came when I started starving myself.  Weight loss only happened when I was working out twice a day and eating less than 1500 calories. Weight loss only came with the help of diet pills and supplements.

And here’s the thing: it’s addicting.  Losing weight is addicting.

Having people compliment you is addicting. Having people say that you’re beautiful is addicting.  Having people look at you as an ‘inspiration’ is addicting.

So losing weight becomes the only reason you do the things you once enjoyed.  Losing weight becomes the focus of so much of your life that you don’t notice how bad it is. 

Losing weight takes over everything.

And people don’t notice because it’s a ‘good’ thing that you’re losing weight.  It’s ‘healthy’ that you’re losing weight.

I became addicted to losing weight and the attention it earned me.  I became so addicted that I lost a part of myself.

And when I started gaining weight back I felt ashamed.  I felt ugly. I felt like a failure.

It’s hard to acknowledge that.  It’s so hard to admit how much gaining weight affected me mentally.

I had put so much value into losing weight that I couldn’t help but question my value when I gained it back.

It’s taken a long time to move past that mindset and into a healthier one. It’s taken a long time to grow in how I view food and working out. It’s worth it though. It’s worth the work.

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